Hide and Seek

It's only the seventh day of the new decade and already 2010 has brought on some major cross roads and difficulties that I've had to and still need to overcome. I knew this year would bring new and unexpected things but there was that small part of me that was hoping it would be filled with nothing more than easy decisions, smiles with friends, and no worries about what was going to happen next. I knew the struggles would come, but so soon? As the years go by, and my relationship with God continues to develop I'm coming upon more cross roads than I expected. New desires are coming into my heart, old ones are still burning, every day is a lesson I'm learning and every moment is filled with curious thoughts about things that were, are, and have yet to come. In all the things that are taking place in my life right now, there is a common theme of going back and forth between discontentment, unsureness, and equivocating whats really going on. The past week I've been feeling as though I'm walking aimlessly through blurred images that i cant quite seem to make clear. Better than that though, my heart is striving so hard to see the clear message that is deeply hidden in the fog that is clouding my mind. Lately the haze has become so heavy that my eyes can't focus on it even if my life depended on it. Okay, maybe my survival doesn't depend of me figuring out whats going on in my head lately, but thats how hard It's been to stay on any train of thought. Through all my conversations with friends, loved ones, those whom I am closest to, and even when I'm reflecting with myself, it has been clear that the source I should be getting my peace from is Him. There is no one on earth who can help me the way He can, calm me the way He can, or soothe my soul the way His love can. So what is it that keeps me away from Him? why when I'm sitting next to my Bible feeling uneasy about my day I go on Facebook rather than open it and hear what my Father has to say to me? If i said i didnt know the answer to those questions I'd be lying to everyone I've spoken to and I'd be lying to myself. The answer is fear and lack of faith. If I'm really being honest with myself I'm afraid of the things that can happen when we ask God to work in our lives. Where this fear comes from, I'm not exactly sure. Time after time God has proven He is faithful. He has never left me broken, hurt, or forsaken me in any way. Every wound I've prayed healing for, He has touched with His hands and replenished with His heart so why the lack of faith that my amazing Savior will not triumph time after time and defeat my demons?


Just a few words from my Father and my heart feels comfort, my head can hear the wind again, and my eyes are no longer heavy with the things I'm dying to see. I come to the lord saying i completely clueless and he says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."(Proverbs 3:5-6) What a comfort to know that I have the most loving Father who is strong enough to carry all my burdens and wants to help ME. When i fear that my heart is not able, He gently reminds me that HE is able, and HE alone is who my life is for (II Corinthians 9:8). God reminds me that I do not have a spirit of fear but a spirit of POWER and LOVE (I Timothy 1:7).

Its true, 2010 has already tested my faith and endurance in some interesting ways, and I am SO reminded that as long as i am putting my heart, my soul, my LIFE in the hands of my Father in heaven I will be OK. Love is an action more than anything else, and my God deserves a love that does not choose things of this earth over him. It's funny how when we are so desperate for answers, so desperate for anything to hold onto that is concrete, absolute, never changing, we run from the truths, hide from the answers, and flee from comfort.